Diving into the new phenomenon: the phone-birth
Even before you have your first contraction, you have probably considered and decided who of your family and friends will be given notice, and when. Some want to keep the berth private until it is over, while others don’t want to worry the grandparents unnecessarily. Others prefer to share the experience with as many as possible.
Not many generations ago, the father of the child was only invited to the birth as a distant bystander. Being a man, he did not belong in the birth situation. He was placed outside the bedroom ( at homebirths) and later in the waiting hall (when hospital births became common). The birth was amongst women, and later, with help of medical doctors.
I see three eras in relation to the social aspect of birth:
-The time when the birth was a social event within the home, and where every woman in the nearby could participate and contribute to. Even the first time mom had seen other births, and the same women that helped her, had received her help when they needed it.
-The time where the berth relocated to hospitals, leaving the community behind, exchanging it for medical professionals and a lonely, anticipating man in the waiting hall.
-The current time, where the birth has become a couples-event, which still takes place in the safe hands of the hospitals and professionals, but where we want to start sharing our experience with the community again.
Maybe that is the reason why midwives are starting to experience a new phenomenon: the phone-birth. Women and couples are increasingly focused on documenting their lives, to be able to save their memories and hold on their most precious moments for ever. And to be able to share these moments with friends and family – and yes, for some with just about anyone!
When we pack that hospital bag, the most important item will be a phone charger, and maybe a few extra just in case. The telephone of course will not be packed – wil will be having it in our hands! On TV at the moment, there are commercials showing the worst case scenario: dad’s phone battery goes dead just as he is to take the first picture of the baby!
At a phone-birth, every contraction is seen as an opportunity to make a really cool selfie; the pushing phase will be recorded, while mommy is looking into the camera, cussing, just as we see it on ”friends”; the first feed is on Facebook within minutes; and where likes and interactions give the birth its meaning.
Smartphones are here to stay. The wish to document the big event is natural and understandable. The wish to share it is too. So where is the problem?
Well… i say hesitantly, because i am torn. When the constractions are working, and the body needs to keep up, even the slightest disturbance of your focus can have detrimental consequences. A birth requires of you your full attention on your “here”, your “now”, your inner core and the unspoken. Birth happens so far inside your body and your soul, and is such a powerful rollercoaster, that we need to keep track of the horizon all the way, if we don’t want to get car sick. We consciously have to put aside distracting thoughts, to be able to work along, and we have to shut the surroundings out, to be able to hear the body roar. And in this situation, the smartphone has no part. This little screen, containing the whole world, has powers over our hormonal balance, our reward-system and our attention. And it has the power to steal focus from the powerful, and yet subtle change that is happening in our body. We know for a fact, that contractions hide away when we move focus, change location, and when we need to relate to information and use our intellect. And that being a fact, it is quite justified to be concerned about the phone taking over birth.
There is nothing more heartbreaking, than seeing parents being distracted from the contact with their child, by a phone. And weeing children standing left out, feeling abandonned and down prioritized. And we might just guess which psychological effect this might have on these children. Just imagine, how a newborn might be affected by the first eyecontact being disturbed by a flash from a camera, or from mom taking a selfie. NO, that does not seem ideal at all.
But on the other side, we can’t just cut off contact to everything – that has never been ideal in a birthing situation! Because that little screen, that contains the whole world and our emotional life, also contains our close relationships, our dearest memories. Life has been fragmented and isolated, and thanks to new ways of communication, we are reconnecting. Through new and untested forum, yes, but still. We are sharing our lives again – the important stuff and the unimportant. And how sad would it be, if we couldn’t share our happiness with others! That would be loneliness at its worst!
We are in a dilemma. The need to focus on the ”here” and the ”now” are in contrast to our moderne life. This life, where “here” and “now” are being erased, to make it possible to live the free life, without standing alone. Do we want our baby on intragram right after birth? Should Facebook have the rights to our very first baby pictures? Or should we stand alone with our experience, without sharing, or seeking experiences from others? It is easy to be a harsh judge of the smartphone, and accuse it of making us non-present in even the most important events of our lives. But maybe being present is just different than before?
I don’t think phones are evil. I think they are the best solution until now to a need to creats bonds, creating experiences and sharing with others. But the best solution up until now has serious consequences for our experience of life and our relations. I suggest a, a middlepath must be found. I will not tell you what your ideal middle path is, but I will suggest, you consider it, before you feel the first contraction. What memory do you want to carry in your heart from the day you gave birth? How and with who do you want to share it? And who will make it happen?
May i pose a suggestion? May I suggest, that your birth helper, may it be your partner or someone else, take the role as your communicator? That he knows who to tell what, and when. That you discuss it on beforehand, so you may concentrate on the task at hand? If the birth helper is your partner, chances are, he will be eager to take some burden off you anyway. That he will feel it a blessing, to have a role. After birth he surely will be just as mesmerized by your little miracle as you are, but must still take the passenger seat, when you start your breast feeding. There will be so many moments, where sharing will be natural to him!
The father has had different invites to the birth throughout time. “stay away”, “stay outside” and “come and join everything”. Let him have a role, let him have many! And make sure his passenger seat is interactive! Take advantage of your differences: you focusing on the introvert and the “here and now”, and him keeping perspective, documenting, communicating and prioritizing.
We are so lucky when there are more people there for our birth!
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